Why this post had came up, because these few days, my ex had been religiously messaging me at least 2-3 times a day, telling me things from how she missed me to things that happen for her in the day and wishing that she still had me to take care of her. In the past, i would have long reacted to those messages, however today i don't possess anymore of these kind of feelings nor habour any reconciliation thoughts anymore.
This past of mine that many close friends might know, had made a huge impact in my life. Times when i came home weeping alone in my room to hide those tears from my parents and screams of sorrows into my pillow, endless calls to my friends in the wee hours in the morning just to keep my sad thoughts away. Friends had been kind and loving to me constantly consoling me and advising me that i should just walk out of it because i don't deserve what i'm receiving from her. But Because at that time i still believed that being persistent and patient would make her realise how much i loved her. But time had proven my believed wrong and show me that my friends were all right.
An event that i will never forget was the time when she left me all alone in an unfamiliar place and went home by herself, not replying my messages nor my calls just because she was in a foul mood and the taxi driver doesnt know the way. I sat under an unknown block hoping that she would come find me but i knew that was all my wishful thinking. Sitting there crying silently and started to slit my own wrist out of sadness. I don't remember her face, but i do remember her back view really well, because she had been constantly walking out of me. At that time she gave our relationship a break/ separation for about a time frame of 4 months. During the 2 -3 months, i had a hard time getting use to life being alone again. But nevertheless, friends had walked me through. Another incident that left me remembering was the time when we were quarreling under a void deck near a place. At that period of time, we were about 1 and a half years into the relationship, and she asked me this question," Do you think i love you?" For that very moment, my heart broke and i wanted to slap her. But i didn't. Instead i tried my best to mend the relationship.
I thought after so much had happen, and what we had been through, we will understand each other better and she would realise i loved her so much. But i guess it wasn't the case. Instead the last quarrel we had, before i decided to give all these up was because she couldn't watch the movie she wanted. During that time, i still had subjects to hand in and was busy, but because i wanted to spend time with her, i sacrifice my time despite the tight schedule i had on hand. Not only she didn't appreciate my sacrifice, instead i got ridiculous messages stating " I'm so tired of your school life, nothing else but school school and more school." I am a student, what else does she want from me besides studying? Nevertheless, as usual, i would follow her behind her not until when she reached Plaza Singapura. I called her but she refuses to listen to my calls and message me telling me to go back, cos she wants to go home. Not only that, she told me i made her waste her time, because she made an effort to come out just to watch the movie, and chided me for being stupid because i didnt tell her it was the opening for that particular movie. After reading those unreasonable messages, i turned back and headed back to school to continue doing my work. I felt like an idoit. She always say Im a Jinx to her. Because, everytime im with her, bad things would always happen.
Even after i broke up with her, she still message me telling me things like "why i didn't think for her after i left, now that her mother is sick and no one is there to give her support and all" then if she wants to compare, then why didnt she think about those times when she threw me at one corner and i had to constantly help myself get up with her continuous scoldings and insults. When we quarrel, even when it wasnt my fault, i still had to apologise just to please her, and i had to swollow all her anger and let her vent on me. That faithful day was the day when i couldnt take any of her shit anymore. She disappointed me from time and time again. It is not something that i would be happy for life if i chose to stay with her.
During those time, I had to endure threaten break up tortures from her. Unreasonable quarrels could spark off because of her sudden foul mood that could be things as small as just because she couldn't watch the movie she wanted.
Coming to think about it, i was the one holding this whole thing together. I gave in so much to her till she was spoilt by me, thinking that no matter how bad her temper was, she knew i would have no reaction and still love and accept her for who she was. No doubt love is suppose to be that way, but i guess it was not my patience that ran out, it was that i had too many disappointments that she gave me that caused me to not even think of reconciliating back. I guess putting this chapter to a close is a good thing. No more times of feeling unwanted and unloved anymore.
this chapter is now close and will forever will be.
Labels: The Last Of My Past
